Category Archives: The Basics

The other day Ray and I were in the pool relaxing after a day of outdoor activities.  It was a warm sunny weekend and Barry White’s Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe was playing in the background. 

A pair of cute sing-songy birds landed on the wall.  It was funny to see how they were acting toward each other juxtaposed with Mr. White’s silky smooth voice.  These birds were obviously smitten with each other.

My darling, I can’t get enough of your love babe
Yeah, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know why
Can’t get enough of your love babe

Just then, one of the birds popped up in the air and flew right into the rosemary bush by the pool–floomp!  The other one just sat on the wall singing along in accompaniment with Mr. White.  Ray and I shot a look at each other and then suddenly both birds flew away. 

I got out of the pool to see what was going on in the rosemary bush.  To my surprise, there was a teeny tiny nest with three little eggs in it.  Looks like the birds felt that Stolen Horseshoe was the ideal place to start a family.  Ray and I were thrilled about this.  There is nothing more pleasant than the sound of little birds chirping.

Now, I’m not an expert on birds but I think we may be close to hatching because Mama bird tends to stay around a lot.  She just sits quietly in her nest.  I check in on her occasionally.  I don’t want to disturb her too much.  She silently agreed to let me get a photo.

I guess the one thing that Ray and I appreciate about living here is the fact that nature just happens right in our own backyard.  We wake up in the morning and see cute little bunnies hopping around the courtyard.  Every once in a while a lone snake will slither on by.  One time, we had a snake of the Rattler persuasion pass through while we were sitting on the patio having cocktails.  While it made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end, I just prefer to let the snake go on its way.  Some of our friends kill the Rattlers.  We figure with all the activity that goes on in our backyard, a snake is not going to settle down and make a home.

Of course if there are tasty eggs in a nest that is only about a foot off the ground…

The best is when the rabbits have their babies and you see teeny little bunnies hopping around.  They are so cute!  I’ll be sure to get a photo this year.  In the mean time, we’re just going to wait for Mama bird to hatch her babies and then enjoy the little chorus of chirps until the season ends and they all fly away.

I’m going to run after work today. Its part of my new, new, new workout plan.  You see, lifting heavy weights and eating a lot just made me fat.  I figure I’ve gained some new muscle and a little bit of definition but alas, it’s covered under a layer of blubber.  People laugh at the prospect of me doing this.  They say, “But you’re so skinny!”

I’m not skinny.

I’m tall, and I weigh 196 pounds (Oops, I mean 194.  I dropped 2 lbs this week.)   I’m also giving up on trying to become a BMMS (Big Massive Muscle Stud).  It’s too fucking hard.

I have been doing this for almost 18 months and I just don’t see enough happening.  Sure, I started slowly and had a few short periods of not working out with regularity but for the most part I’ve been making a solid effort without seeing good results.  In all honesty, I should have done this when I was twenty.

Oh now don’t get me wrong.  I’m still going to keep trying.  I’m just giving up on the grandiose expectations.  I really thought I’d build up fast—at least I was hoping I would.  I hate being lanky.  Can’t I just be hunky?  Maybe a little bit of both?  Lunky?

Anyway, I figure if I run, I’ll drop a few pounds and the little bit I’ve gained in muscle just might pop out.  My body has always been devoid of shape.  I never had Chest, Back and Shoulders…it was more like a trunk.  The circumference around my wrist never varied much away from the size of my upper arm.  My back has always seemed to slide right into my legs without the slightest consideration for having what the ladies in the office refer to as a “Beef Butt”.

I have no butt.

On the upside, my nipples no longer jiggle gleefully to and fro when I brush my teeth, my arms almost fill up my sleeves and some of my shirts are getting tight across the chest and shoulders.  I’m bigger, that’s for sure but there’s no “cleavage” in the chestal area.  The circumference in my upper arms is most certainly bigger than my wrists and if I stand a certain way and turn just a little bit…and cock my head to the left…there’s a slight hint of a butt.  It’s no beef butt.  It’s more like a veggie burger butt.  Perhaps running will firm that up…

When we first moved here three years ago, there was a small prickly pear cactus in the way of what was to become our driveway.  We put it in a pot during the construction phase.  It didn’t do so well.  Once we moved in and the weather started to warm up, I took the little cactus and chopped it up.  I found a donor cholla as well on the property and chopped that up too.  I wanted to line the back wall with cactus.

The photo on the left is evidence of what was to come.  Both the prickly pear and cholla sprouted.  This year, the cholla is about to bloom!  As soon as it does, I’ll take some photos.

Spring is here!

There was a contest here in town.  For charity.  It was fashioned after that popular TV show where people compete for a recording contract by singing.  Seems that me–being the big karaoke loudmouth–paid off.  I entered (at the last minute) and won in the male category. You’d think I’d be happy about it but in this case, victory is bittersweet.

Why didn’t I pursue this singing thing twenty years ago?  Maybe I could have actually done something.  Instead, my years of self doubt turned into a giant speed bump.  I waited too long and then accelerated at the last minute.  Went too fast and caught air.  Right now, I’m flying.  The sand paper asphalt is just about to make contact with my flesh.  Feels like I’m about to become hamburger meat.

I’m too old for American Idol.  The pipes don’t do what they could have two decades ago.  I’m such a fucking asshole.  Oh well.  I can still sing in my garage.  Fame would have destroyed me anyway…but the money sure would have been nice.

I’ve been wrestling with depression lately.  I shouldn’t be.  Some days I look in the mirror and wonder who’s looking back.  It’s frightening because things have been going so well lately–hell, I’m the prize-winning singer in my teeny-tiny town.  Local celebrity.  That’s me.  What a fucking joke.

I have become disenchanted by small town life.  It’s so…gossipy.  Like playing the telephone game 24/7.  Doesn’t that sound like fun?  It’s not.  I should have moved here and kept my mouth shut.  Who am I kidding?  I’ve never been able to do that.

So please accept my apologies.  I don’t seem to have much to write about.  Hey, I know, let’s play non sequitur!

Random subjects!

• Swine Flu – freaks me out too but hey, only a handful of people have it.  Let’s not break out our copies of The Stand just yet.
• Fox News – The network that touts its news as the New Moral Compass also produces Family Guy, Married With Children, The Simpsons, etc.  Do the die-hard Fox News viewers ever watch these shows?
• Dick Cheney – Now you start talking??   Shut.  The.  Fuck. Up.   Lives up to his first name.
• Susan Boyle – Unibrow worked in her favor lowering expectations.  Gets a makeover and the world sees her at the competent yet mediocre singer she really is.
• Tea Parties – A. You just got a tax break!!  B. Didn’t anyone run the phrase “TEABAGGING” past the teenage kids first?
• Sean Hannity – Has anybody heard anymore about this offer from Sean to be waterboarded?  Oh pleeeease Sean!  Please show us how harmless it is!  You big wuss!
• Christianity – Maybe Revelations was Christianity predicting the end of itself.  Just a thought.
• Criticizing Obama – What? You want fucktard George back?  Maybe you’re just mad because you LOST! To quote Jon Stewart, “It’s supposed to taste like a shit taco!”
• Same sex marriage – No! I’m not going to fucking Iowa to get married.  I want to be married anywhere in the United States just like any other American–and I want retroactive rights.  I am marred–have been for fifteen fucking years!  Don’t spew out your hateful “protect the sanctity of marriage” crap either.  Who was there to protect me from my parent’s divorce?
• People ranting on their blogs – Oh wait…that’s me.

This post sucks.  I’m going to bed.  I do feel surprisingly better though…

So he snores sometimes.  He can’t help it.  I lay there in the dark trying to tune into my white noise machine.  It doesn’t work so I get up and make my way into the kitchen before turning on the computer in the office. Do I make coffee first or do I sit in the dark and let my eyes adjust to the glowing computer monitor?  Making coffee is like a real commitment to waking up but really, what are my chances of crawling back into bed at 5:08 in the morning for another 45 minutes of sleep?  What if he’s still snoring?

I make coffee.

The sky is already showing signs of light.  I love this time of year.   Longer days, warmer weather.  I just wish the fucking wind would die down a bit.  Believe it or not folks, we have a windy season here in Arizona and where we live it’s horrendous.   The style of our house is not exactly what one would call low profile.  The wind assaults out outer walls creating a low, never ending sub-sonic rumble.  It’s like we’re aboard a spaceship.

Fortunately it is no longer windy.  (OK, so I’m returning to this post more than a week after I started writing it so let’s fast-forward a bit.)  Summer is clearly on its way, the mesquite trees have a slight green hue to them and the sound of birds fill the morning air.  The coffee is kicking in and my senses are awakening!

We have a lot going on these next few days.  Tonight, an Evening with Patti LuPone and Mandy Patinkin–choreographed by Tony Award-winner Anne Reinkingin in Tucson (can’t wait!).   Tomorrow our friend Cathy is arriving from Chicago (and I’m going to rehearse a bit with my friend Renee for, you guessed it, Saturday karaoke).  Speaking of karaoke, on Friday I’m going to participate in a singing contest.  There is a fundraiser for the local homeless shelter.  It’s for charity so why not, right?  Wish me luck.  And then Sunday,  Steve Poltz is coming to town…well sort of.  Mr. Poltz is going to play at my friend’s house with like, sixty plus people which in the long run, is going to be way more fun and intimate.  But I digress…

The best part about the busy schedule is being able to get back to the gym.  Ray and I were in California last weekend so I’m jonesing for a good workout.  I’ve had the good fortune to be able to use the two gyms at Fort Huachuca with my buddy Eric.

Eric is former military, very muscular and he’s been acting as my personal trainer for free and I can’t thank him enough for the help he has given me.  I am very, very greatful for his assistance.  Not to mention, he’s a really nice person and fun to talk to–while he’s kicking my butt.

Since I started working out with Eric, I have seen improvement on my body (and I can hardly move a muscle until Wednesday).  I’ve always been trim and without definition.  Now things seem to be bulking up for me but I still have a long way to go.  (Of course the calorie-laden Marker’s Mark Manhattan isn’t exactly good for the diet so…I’m just going to say it’s a special whey protein drink.  With a sugary maraschino cherry in it.)

The photo was taken yesterday evening.  The pool was 88 degrees!  Summer is around the corner and that makes me very, very happy.

Next up, I have to work up a nice long ride on the motorcycle–after a long ass-kicking workout of course.

So a lot of Republicans are up in arms over the way Obama has been handling this whole financial crisis.  They’re asking people to join them as they “teabag America” .  This Republican movement is to “protest the colossal thievery going on in Washington.”  They’re asking that people send the Oval Office a Tea Bag, in honor of the Boston Tea Party that took place on December 16, 1773. 

Teabag America!

From UrabanDictionary.com 
tea-bag - Dipping your testicles into the open mouth of another person. Kind of like dipping a tea bag in and out of a cup of water.

Let’s watch Rachael Maddow (my secret girlfriend) do a segment on her show about this and while we’re at it, someone find an urban slang dictionary and send it to the GOP.