Category Archives: The Basics

Well, I’ve gone and done it again.  I got myself off schedule.  I think the play and the website deadline threw me off. Combine that with the washing machine fiasco and a recent trip to Chicago (I’m writing this on my return fight) and you have a cluster fuck.  It’s not so bad really.  I just feel out of balance schedule-wise.  The thing that’s bothering me most is the lack of gym attendance.  I was doing so well.  Now it feels like I have to start all over again.  I hate that.

After years of wondering why the bod thing is so difficult for me I’m starting to realize that it has nothing to do with my physical well being at all.

It’s all in my head.

My brain to be exact.  My brain keeps me from getting what I want  I don’t think I’m letting myself realize the goals I want to achieve.  Note the word, realize.  I think people with nice gym bodies get them fixed in their heads first.  They develop a picture of what they want to look like in their mind and then utilize the physical act of weight training, cardio, or whatever to make it happen. 

Of course while I’m writing this, a hunky tall built black man is sitting across the aisle from me bobbing his head up and down to his iPod.  I just want to crawl into his lap, pop the earbud out of his head and scream, “HOW THE HELL DO YOU DO IT!?!?  DO YOU JUST WORK OUT ALL DAY LONG??  WHAT’S THE SECRET?!?”

I think I’ll refrain from doing that.

It is so hard for me to close my eyes and imagine me with the body I want.  I can look at someone else and want their body but when I try to hold a mental picture of my own self with a nice bod, I just can’t make it stick.  The image just morphs back into skinny flabby me.  It’s not that I want to be some big muscle god.  That’s too much of a commitment and quite frankly, I have other stuff to do.  I just want a little bulk—a little shape…maybe even a ripple.  Just one.  I want to take my shirt off when we have friends over for a swim and not feel inferior.

Let me tell you folks, that whole body image problem is not necessarily a female thing.  I see the hunk on the magazine cover in the checkout of the grocery store and get all bummed out feeling that I don’t measure up.  It’s frustrating being a middle aged gay man in this world—especially living with someone who does has a very nice body.

I’m pathetic.  I just have to keep trying I guess.  I have never really failed at anything I’ve ever put my mind to–in fact, I have been quite successful everything…except this.  That’s what makes it so annoying.  Why is it so hard?  It’s like a giant obstruction.  A mental block of sorts.  I need to change that picture in my head.

My ears are popping. The plane is descending. Tucson is just about 20 minutes away. Hopefully, things will get back on track schedule-wise and I’ll be able to find new mental wallpaper to inspire me.

Side note:  I got home and there was a little card from my trainer in the mail reminding me that I have not been to the gym for a while.   Maybe it’s a sign. 

I was all set to go singing last night but my stomach started to feel worse and worse as the evening went on.  I finally asked Ray to drive me back home from Bisbee where I moaned in agony all night long on a heating pad.  It felt like a giant claw was clintching my back.  There was no barfing or anything like that.  Just hard cramps in my tummy and my back.  I lay in bed most of today.  I finally had to make myself get up. 

Man do I feel like shit. 

I was so looking forward to a relaxing Sunday outside.  Instead I got to lay in bed all day.   Last weekend was the flood, this weekend a stomach bug.  And I’m supposed to be flying back from Chicago next weekend?

You know that kind of morning where you wake up early and it’s really sunny?  There’s a bright green hue appearing on all the mesquite trees and a hint of little blue flowers on the rosemary?  I’m having one of them right now.  It’s going to be in the mid 70’s today and 82 tomorrow!  It’s Spring! And you know what that means?

I’m perpetually horny.

I mean, I’m already perpetually horny (what man isn’t?) but in Springtime, it’s like a four alarm fire.  Emergency–emergency!  Beep beep beep! Pull down your pants and put your hands up–my shorts. 

And yes, of course, it’s one of my most favorite seasons.  Ray likes it too!  It’s a little bit difficult in public places though.  My tounge goes a  waggin’ at every single upright and ambulatory man within eyesight.  My eyeballs sniffing them up and down like a bloodhound. 

 “I want that one!  Ohhh, and that one. Yes! Yes! I totally want that one! Please? Can I?”

It’s a strange kind of sexual energy.  I just have an urgent desire to jump every man I see (within reason, I do have standards).  Hey, what can I say really?  I’m a highly sexual being living in a world where showing Janet Jackson’s boob on TV for a split second is punishable by monetary fee.  That’s just laughable.  It’s also embarrassing.  The rest of the world is not as prude.  A boob is a boob is a boob. 

As a child, most people saw lots of boob.  The very first thing they saw was a giant boob being shoved in their face that they sucked milk from.  My God! That happened a few times a day.  For months–years.  How traumatic.  Perhaps there is a public fear that Ms. Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction my trigger a widespread post traumatic boob episode. 

A boobisode?

I think according to whatever board regulates (in their own feeble minds) what’s moral or immoral, I would be off the charts on the latter.  That’s something that perplexes me.  I don’t feel immoral.  I don’t hurt anyone.  Why should someone judge what I do in the privacy of a public restroom–just kidding–the privacy of my own home?  Get the fuck out of my house. 

In the long run, the truth–and we all know this–is that everybody is a little bit freaky.  Everyone is sexual.  How could we not be? 

In the words of George Michael, “Sex is natural, sex is good.  Not everybody does it, but everybody should.”  That coming from Mister Public Restroom himself. 

I don’t care what people do sexually as long as it doesn’t involve hamsters and duct tape.  If a 19 year old gets it on with a 17 year old, who gives a shit?  Hell, I did it with a thirty-something PE teacher when I was 14.  Did he molest me?  No.  How could I be molested when I totally wanted it?  I was a 14 year old budding homosexual with a very robust sex drive and an all grown up PE teacher with a killer bod, tight shorts and furry legs wants to get it on with me?  Hell yeah!  But I wasn’t a consenting adult.  The age of consent in immeasurable.  That line of 18 year-old-ness is so blurry.  Not that I’m into guys that young.  I’m still into the hunky mature PE teacher types in tight shorts. 

We all have a sex drive.  Most people are stuck with the parking brake on. 

<<insert sound of tires screeching away into the distance>>

In my last post, I spoke of making a frivolous $399.99 purchase for a POD® X3 digital guitar amp modeler just minutes before our washing machine sprung a leak and flooded the house. $399.99 combined with half the cost of a not-so-cheap front loading energy efficient appliance adds up to–a lot for me.

The next day, Sweetwater Sound, the company I buy my music equipment from, called me and said AMEX was balking on the payment and that I had to call them to get the payment to go through. Here was the opportunity to be an adult and not spend money I don’t have. I cancelled my order all together. No POD® X3 for me. I suppose I could take my small amp and run a mic into the laundry room and play alongside the washing machine. I wonder what kind of suck-fucky effect I’d get from that. Oh well…

That being said. I’m not as disappointed as I thought I’d be. Last night when we got home, Ray and I went for a jog/walk. That’s where we jog until I run out of steam and then we walk until more steam builds up. The days are longer and warmer and now that my ginormous project is over, I’m back to my commitment of health and fitness (and music). After our jog/walk–I am actually getting to a point–I was watching the sunset and taking a mental inventory of what I have in my life.

• Me and myself. A strong sense of who I am.
• Ray. I have Ray and that means a lot to me.
• A nice home
• A good job that I enjoy
• Great food
• Health
• The ability to occasionally hop on a plane and visit cities with restaurants.
• And a really nice front loading washing machine–let’s not forget that.

Oh I could go on.  The point is; who needs a toy to be happy?  I’ll get my POD® X3 someday–and my new motorcycle–and an iPhone…someday.   These are things I can live without. 

In all honesty, I have what I really, really  want and he’s about ready to go to work. 

Since the play and the web site deadline have come and gone, I was looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend.  Ray went to LA to see his mom and I was doing the basic I-have-the-house-all-to-myself thing; playing music loud, leaving dirty dishes in the sink, and spending countless hours on the Internet.  I finally decided to get productive.  I had a ton of laundry to do. 

I loaded up the machine, pulled the knob out and made my way back to the home office with a fresh cup of coffee.  About 45 minutes later, I realized I should go put my clothes in the dryer.  I turned the corner toward the kitchen and to my surprise there was water everywhere. 

Everywhere!

From the time I pulled the little knob until that moment, the water had not stopped filling up the washing machine–for 45 minutes!  It seeped under the walls from the kitchen all the way into the master bedroom closet.  There were sections of our bamboo flooring that were completely submerged.  The water in the carpeting was squirting up through my toes when I walked on it. 

Ever have one of those, what-the-hell-do-I-do-first moments?  This was supposed to be my weekend of relaxation!

Thankfully, the laundry room is right off the garage and a lot of the water just flowed out that way.  It also made its way out the front door.  The washing machine is broken–obviously–so were going to Sears right now to buy a front loading water saving model.  Ray has been diligently vacuuming the carpets with our shop vac which seem to be pulling the water up.  I guess it’s the perfect time of year to have a flood in the house.  It’s very dry and breezy.   Let’s just pray the bamboo flooring doesn’t warp.  I think bamboo is very porous.  I hope it dries out quickly. 

What really, really sucks is that I finally decided the day before to shell out the $399.99 for a POD® X3 digital guitar amp modeler.  I have wanted one for several years and since I made it past my two big projects, I was going to focus on my music (and the gym–been back twice already).  Thank goodness we’re all getting the refund to “stimulate the economy”.  I’d say I just stimulated the hell out of it. 

Oh well,  I can play guitar in time with my clothes spinning around in the laundry room.  My first album will be called Tuesday Night Laundromat Club. 

Heaven help us all.

It’s done.  It’s live.  I can’t hide it anymore. 

cochise.az.gov

I have been working on this for 18 months.  It’s finally launched.  (Jimbo, it’s a girl).  Still need to work out some of the bugs but for the most part, I’m done…wow…I’m done!

The play is over with.  The site is launched.  I’m taking Thursday and Friday off this week.  I shall return to my blog.  I miss it.

Thanks for being so patient.