Author Archives: Robert

The first few weeks with my trainer was all about figuring each other out.  Initially, I thought she was a little soft on me.  There was also an element of ramping up my muscle use so I didn’t injure myself.  I wasn’t really feeling the burn. 

Last night she killed me. 

We’re doing four sets now–as opposed to three and doing things where you do 8 reps with 25 pounds, 10 reps with 20 and then 12 with 15 all without a rest.  I just know I look like the little girly man trembling, sweating and grunting with my two little 15 pound barbells but man, by the time you get to those last three reps, your muscles are like hamburger.  She stands behind me giving me that little extra boost at the end of my set.  Does that make her my hamburger helper?

My trainer asked me if I see anything yet to which I said no.  I do, however, feel things.  I woke up the other night laying on my stomach.  Something felt funny on my chest as if I were laying on something kind of firm.  I suddenly realized that it was my chest I was feeling.  It doesn’t look any different to me (yet) but it was all tight and stuff. 

I’m kind of liking the gym.  There is the one guy that works out there who’s young and very, very muscular.  He always says hello and is very encouraging.  His arms are about as thick as my thighs. 

I’ve been told that I have good form which is true.  I have always been very “body conscience”.  It’s comes from years of singing, performing, dance lessons and, well, being a fag.  To me weight training is all about form.  Slow deliberate movement.  That’s how you get the growth and definition. 

My trainer has encouraged me to attent the the local bodybuilding show in March.  She asked me if I would be interested in competitive bodybuilding.  She says that I have the right body type and framework.  I was really excited when she said that until I realized that she works there and aside from being a trainer, she is a bit of a salesperson as well. 

I don’t think I would like being a slave to my bod.  I like alcohol and food too much and I have too many other things to do that would keep me from being in a gym every single day.  Hey, who knows?  One thing is for sure, I’m not quitting.  I promised myself that I would make significant changes to the bod this year by the time summer comes.  

Wish me luck…

Come again some other day…

OK, it’s official.  It’s 2:23 AM and I’m wide awake.  This is a clear indication that I have way too much going on.  The slightest thing like Ray breathing or the cat shifting positions stirs me from my sleep.  Before you know it, the brain starts going into high gear. 

My late night rushing brain train is heightened by the fact that the wind is howling outside.  You want to add a little bit of drama to your insomnia experience?  Sit in the dark with the sound of the wind rushing through the bare trees and the rain pelting against the window. 

I feel so alone.  So vulnerable.  That’s the funny thing about insomnia.  I sit here isolated and worried but then when the sun comes up, it all just melts away and everything is alright again–just like at the end of a zombie movie.  The new dawn comes and you wonder why, just a few hours ago, everything seemed so bad, so out of whack.  Nothing is trying to eat my brain.  Silly boy.

The best thing to do is just crawl back into bed with my man and our kitty cat.  She likes to sleep at the foot of the bed on these cold windy high desert nights.  Since sleep is evading me, I lay there and focus my inner tape loop on something positive…

Thank you for Ray.  Thank you for the kitty.  Thank you for the shelter from the wind and the rain.  Thank you for my health.  Thank you for the food on the table.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you. 

Things are just going to be hectic for a while.  I have to accept that.  I just hope I can get back to sleep as I have so much to do tomorrow…I mean today. 

Thank you for reading my blog.  Thank you for caring. 

OK, it’s official.  I’m terrible at real-time online chat.  I need time to compose my thoughts before I let my fingers do the walking.  It’s more like my digits are doing the cha-cha all over the keyboard generating some sort of out-of-control dialogue.

When it comes to real-time expression in type, I have no filter in my hands.  (Hell, ask Ray and he’ll tell you my mouth has no filter either!)  I always seem to be saying all the wrong things at the wrong time creating the most socially awkward moments–which is great if you’re writing for Ben Stiller.  Sometimes I can’t believe the verbal (or textual) diarrhea that comes out of me!

It’s like Jeffrey Dahmer at a church social–pleasant but creepy.

I just know I’m going to be a really weird old man.  That’s for sure.  I just hope I can afford a live-in caretaker by then.

Well, once again we are having connectivity problems.  According to our wireless Internet privider’s web test, we’re downloading at 1.5 MBPS.

Uh, yeah…right.

I was going to blog about how both the two big Oscar contenders have totally hot characters with not just staches, they have Big Ol’ Staches!   It’s about time.  Maybe the Big Ol’ Stache will come back in style.  Then I’ll have to shave mine off…nah…not going to happen.

I guess I can’t post any photos of Daniel Day Lewis or Josh Brolin because I can’t do a friggin’ Google images search due to my computer problems. 

You know the story; The ISP say it’s your wireless network box and the people who make the box say it’s your ISP and you know that it’s just really God being mad at you for writing bad things about the bible.

I thought technology was supposed to make things easier.

Sometimes I’ll be at my computer and look up through the window just at the perfect moment to see something utterly beautiful like the smiling moon rising over the Mule Mountains. 

OK, OK, barf–ick, I know…

I have actually been writing lyrics for one of my freshly harvested guitar ditties.  I’m in a silly poetic mood I guess but, I have to wonder.  How can you not be in a silly poetic mood when the full moon is rising right outside your window?

Ray is on his way home.  The poor guy needs to sleep in his own bed.  He mentioned feeling like a cold was coming on.  The worse thing about late flights into Tucson is that you have an hour and a half drive to get home.  At night.  On I-10.  With nary a streetlamp. (tee hee)

Ever drive on the 10 at night with all those crazy fucking truckdrivers?

Well, the long weekend of dancing around in my skivvies with my guitar singing poorly and playing even worse is coming to a close.  It was productive.  I went to the gym twice, wrote two blog posts (with photos!), worked on lyrics and belted out quite a few tunes on the karaoke machine out in the garage.

I don’t have rehearsals for the next two weeks so I can go consistently to the gym three times a week for two whole weeks.  That’s six times!  W00t!

Yeah…part of the whole gym thing is to be enthusiastic about working out.  You have to believe it to see it.  Seeing is Believing.  Believing is Seeing.  Ain’t that the truth?  That’s the “Secret”.  Maybe we can all collectively believe the world will become a better place. 

You know what most God fearin’ people in America believe?  They believe in a book who’s final chapter is all about the end of the world.  The book of Revelations is full of predictions that many people believe to have become true today.  Could we have willed it into our world?  Could we have made it happen? 

You know what I think?  I think the book of Revelations predicts the final chapter of Christianity.  How can you possibly engage in a religion that is so totally flawed?  It’s like George Bush in the White House–we know, it’s fucked up but people keep believing in it. 

There is this great line in Jesus Christ Superstar coming from Judas as an angel after he hung himself.  “If you’d come today you could have reached the whole nation.  Israel in 4 B.C. had no mass communication.”

Touché Judas, touché.

I remember KTLA Channel 5 used to run that at Easter-time until someone realized it was written by a Jew and wasn’t exactly a sparkly account of Jesus Christ’s last days.  Idiots.

How would Jesus treat me?  That’s what I wonder.  What would I do if the Son of God rejected me for being gay?  I mean, he’s the liaison to the big guy in the sky.  Jesus, can you put in a good word for me?  Maybe you know someone who’s gay.  Maybe you’re related… 

And then I woke up.

The moon is getting high in the sky.  I think it’s time to grab the guitar and refocus my creative moonlit energy on the instrument. 

You know what I did this morning when I woke up?  Nothing.  I just maintained a fetal position in my warm comfy bed.  Sometimes when you wake up, you have to just lay there motionless for about five minutes–especially when life has been whirring around you like a spinning top with a lot of momentum.  It’s like an act of defiance.  I’m not going to jump up and move, move move!  I’m not!

Of course, it’s winter here in the high desert and the house gets rather cold at night.  The heater hadn’t kicked in which is another good reason to stay in bed.

The need for coffee soon overtook my desire to cocoon under the covers and the cat was getting restless for food.  When Ray is here, it’s like coffee, heat and cat feeding all happens automatically.  He spoils me so.  He’s just that type of guy who springs up and starts going at the crack of dawn.

My complaints about the cold certainly fall on deaf ears when it comes to Ray right now who’s in Chicago looking after Aunt Leona’s creaky old house.  The current temperature there is 3.

Ray and I once again have been on the move.  He was in LA while I was in New Hampshire last week.  He’s in Chicago right now and we’re both going to DC and Chicago next month.  Did I mention that I’m rehearsing for a play, working out three nights a week with a trainer, volunteering for the Mule Mountain Relay for Life, designing a logo for a startup and rebuilding the entire county website all at the same time?  Yeah, I’ve been a bit busy.  I’m trying to get my guitar practice and script memorization in whenever I can as well. 

It’s nobody’s fault that I am in this predicament.  The director of the play asked me months ago if I would be interested and, at that time, I had hardly anything going on so I said yes.  Oh, yeah, I play three characters in the play.  Just an added layer of complexity.

As far as the upcoming Chicago trip, Aunt Leona couldn’t really provide a time-line of events surrounding her death so she’s off the hook.  It’s kind of hard to plan things around death if you don’t know when a person is going to permanently check out. 

But you know what?  I refuse to compromise on the gym.  I have to go as much as I can.  It’s a promise to myself and I’m tired of being tired of my physical well being.  Besides, my trainer knows every guy there and introduces me to them.  She’ll have these buff–and very friendly–guys show me how to do certain exercises.  I’m OK with that. 

I like my gym.  It’s not glossy.  It’s not a meat market.  It’s mostly serious fitness enthusiast working out with the ubiquitous Pop-Hits radio station playing in the background.  There are a few women as well and they, like my trainer, are really into weight lifting.  My trainer is 50 and bops around like a 25 year old.  She’s doing something right because she looks hot.  I think I’ve gotten over the first hurdle of going to a gym–looking like an asshole because you don’t know what you’re doing.

So, I actually have today and tomorrow to do whatever the hell I want.  Blogging was at the top of my list.  I also want to get some work-work done.  I have a new docking laptop from the county so I can do stuff at home which I love!  I enjoy what I do and don’t mind putting in an hour or two from home on my time off.  The coffee is better here anyway and I have an office with a window.  Several windows actually.

The best part about being so busy is that I don’t have time to notice winter moving along.  By the first week in April, most of my busy stuff will be over and…it’ll be April.  Spring!  Pool weather!

The worst part about being so busy is blog neglect for which I am very sorry.  I will make an effort to blog as much as I can.  Blogging is not a thing that I can do quickly.  I’m too wordy.  It takes me a while to compose my thoughts.  That being said…I’m going to keep on blogging.